Just finished my exams and you know what? I feel defeated. After the bell rung, I left the examination hall feeling like shit. Cause I knew very well that I am going to flung this paper even before I had stepped into the examination hall. I knew that I will be paying the price for missing two modules in my revision. It is so bad that it will take a miracle for me to even pass. The depression was emplified by the fact that this exam was really a give away and yet, I did not do enough to nail it. Out of the 6 questions that I have to answer in the form of short essays, 3 were the exact same questions that were given to us before as a prep test paper. Here's the crunch. I did try to do the prep paper, so I knew exactly what I should write, but I blanked out and do not know how to put them down during the exam in proper essay form anwers. I've lost the battle...

After the paper, I went to the faculty departments to collect back my essays. They were long ready for collection, but I really do not wish to collect them back, cause I know the result would have affected me. For even before writing them, I already knew what sort of results I will be getting. A pass. Nothing more than that. And sure enough, that's what I got. It is really really painful that despite all the efforts being put in, it's just not good enough. It is like when you enter a running competition, you know you will only come in 5th everytime. It hurts to learn that my command of the 'global language' is non-satisfactory. I'm screwed. Failing to do well in all my favourite subjects and doomed to never to be able to reach the top. It totally upsetted me. And even more frastrated knowing that I ought to do better when I have already put in all my very best... :*(

I know jolly well that I will need some cheering up after the exam, so I had planned to go to the State Cinema to catch one of the Film Festival shows. The ones I saw was Shackleton and Scott: Rivals for The Pole (Part I & II) and Surviving Extremes (Australia). You can read a brief story of the first show here. I suppose I did learn something from these strong-willed men. Shackleton and Scott were doing it for glory, for acknowledgement. I suppose I am going after some sort of acknowledgement as well. Scott's thirst for winning killed him and I guess, it is rather metaphorically applicable to me now too. Shackelton's decisiveness and leadership, makes him a great man to learn from. But their disinterest in learning to adjust themselves to the different culture and enviornment, took them much longer to meet their goals. Sir Douglas Mawson, whose Aussie sense of humour, positive attitude and fast revovery from bad situations are crucial for his survival in the harsh and cold envionment of the South Pole. So, mine is a mere tiny pitfall, and I should learn to climb out of it. Like Mawson who had modified his gears and even ate his dogs, I will need to get over this failure quickly and change my style and attitude towards my studies. It is not yet a death sentence. I cried nontheless, as it really mattered to me. I do pray and hope that I will not miss the boat as I try to make my way towards my own goal.